2012 Goals

For the past several years Jay and I have made a concious effort to not make or verbalize new years resolutions.  Mostly because like many people we make them and are so excited those first few months weeks of the new year but then quickly find life gets in the way and we are no longer working towards those resolutions.  This is very disappointing and does not do much for the morale and motivation. 

This year there is so much I want to accomplish and achieve and work on - both of myself (be a better mother/wife/homemaker/employee/volunteer/etc); and also of my home, my family and other areas of my life.  Instead of thinking of them and referring to them as "resolutions" I have decided to make a list of "goals" that I want to work on during the year.  This list will grow and shrink throughout the year (or at least that is how I invision it) while I mark things off that have been achieved; modify things as life changes; and add things as they are thought of or needed.  This list will be printed and in the front section of our new Family Binder (you will see this listed as one of the top goals) so it can be seen and thought of often. 

I figured instead of just printing this out for myself and Jay to see (and possibly Payton since she can read and is likely to sneak a peak in the binder) I would hold myself more accountable by posting it right here on the blog :) 

First however I want to take a moment to point out my top goal for the year.  This is a term that I came across on one of the many blogs I read and subscribe to and she states that she 'borrowed' it from a fellow blogger as well.  This is something that is very near and dear to my heart and I really hope that if nothing else on my goals list gets marked off - this one does!  It is "intentional mothering" and was described as follows: "By intentional, I mean not just getting by and rushing around from event to event…party to party…school to sports, but by intentionally engaging with my children. Every once in a while…going the extra mile…planning ahead."  Things such as reading chapter books to my kids, making a special snack for them after school, sitting down to actually play with them, and turning off the computer in the afternoon.

So here goes.....

My 2012 GOALS:

• Intentional Mothering
• Complete the Runion Family Binder and utilize it to be more organized and manage the household better
• Keep the house cleaner and more organized (notice I did not say clean and organized as that would suggest it is perfect and I am simply trying to improve not perfect this year)
• Spend more time working with Graham when we have alone time 
• Begin to sew and embroider making things for the kids
• Work on and complete household projects (I have a growing detailed list of these things)

So since it took me so long to post this I guess I should provide an update on how I have done after the first month.  Well, I have spent some more quality time with both Lilah Grace and Graham when we are home together and the bigger kids are at school.  I have spent much time on the floor playing with them.  I have also started and am trying to complete some smaller organization projects and am trying to implement them into our daily routine.  I also made my first applique shirts (a separate post on this to come) for the girls.  I have been trying to do better keeping up with the dishes and keeping the kitchen area cleaner.  

So how are you doing on your resolutions/goals?

Reflecting on 2011

As we approach the last few hours of 2011 I figured it was a good time to reflect upon the past year.  This year had many ups and downs for our family but overall I will chalk this one up to being a good year.

I of course spent the first few months pregnant and preparing for our new addition.  We were still getting adjusted to life in Georgia and settling into our new home.  We brought some ice and snow down with us as GA/TN experienced more than they have in MANY years.  I was still trying to get used to being a stay at home mom with the boys home and then school gets cancelled for over a MONTH (yes worlds longest Christmas break) and I have all three of them home full time stuck at home because the transportation department down here is totally not prepared for that white stuff that falls from the sky.  Roads were not touched for weeks and businesses were completely shut down.  Talk about cabin fever.

Once we got past the bad winter, things started to look up as Spring weather was beginning and the older kids were playing spring sports.  Payton played softball and Cole baseball.  They both did great and somehow I survived  carting them all over the county and managing practice schedules and games by myself as Jay worked constantly.  I did have to choose which kid got to play on a couple of occasions as they had games at the same time at very different locations.

Then the most tragic thing I have ever experienced happened - a string of horrible tornadoes hit our area and actually touched down half a mile from our house.  Our tiny little town of Ringgold, Georgia was almost destroyed.  The devastation was overwhelming and I still cry when I recall the faces, businesses, homes and trees.  The days, weeks, and months that followed were amazing to watch as this little town pulled together and rebuilt bigger and stronger than ever.  I felt so close to complete strangers and a sense of community was great.  It made us so proud to be residents of such a great town!

Of course in the midst of the devastation we had our precious baby Lilah Grace (just two days after the tornadoes).  She is absolutely amazing and definitely completes our family - she was the missing piece.  She certainly made me work for it however.  This was by far the most difficult pregnancy (yes I would even surpass the bed rest with Payton to how sick I was with Lilah) as well as the most difficult delivery.  But I did surprise myself (and probably Jay a tad bit as well) at how strong I was and how well I handled the pain.

Jay was off for 5 weeks once again (totally love Costco and their bonding leave - this makes 20 weeks he has received) and we loved having him around.  He was able to be there for all the practices and games for the remainder of the spring season and we did as much as we could as a family.  The summer went by very fast but at the same time kinda slow.  Fast in terms of Lilah growing and me not accomplishing any of the things I had planned but slow in terms of having 4 kids home with me full time and becoming a bit annoying :)  I love my kids to death and feel extremely blessed and happy that I am finally able to be home with them on a full time basis but by the beginning of September I was more than ready for school to start!

We did manage to fit in some fun times at several playgrounds, bowling, aquarium, zoo, the pool, play dates, nature center, and some other local attractions.  I love the fact that I am able to do these things with the kids with minimal planning and that Jay has a work schedule that allows him to participate often as well.  The other thing that I really enjoy as part of my new life as a SAHM is that I can go to the kids schools and participate in class parties and other activities as well as volunteer my time as often as possible.

Of course the summer brought some major losses to our family as our beloved yellow lab, Maverick, passed away on July 1st from heart troubles.  He was 12.5 years old and a huge part of our family.  The kids all rode him around like a horse and layed on him like a pillow.  I am happy that he was around to meet Lilah Grace and enjoy our new home for a while.  That same month one of our cats, Rajah, suddenly passed away making the kids very sad as he was one of the kittens Jay got for them just two years ago.

The fall brought the start of a new school year with Payton in the First grade and Cole in Pre-K.  Both are doing well and enjoying school.  New friends have been made by all and this makes me especially happy as I have found a group of amazing ladies that I am proud to call my friends.  These women are so selfless and have already done so much for our family.  All of our children are around the same ages and really enjoy playing together which makes spending time with my friends that much better.

Fall also brought a new sports season (we took the summer off) with Payton cheering and Cole playing baseball again (he is really good).  It was great seeing them both in action.

At the end of October I was ready to give in to the daily requests from the kids for a new puppy and we adopted an adorable tiny puppy from a rescue.  Bella Skye has become part of the family and

Although the house continues to be a work in progress and I am always trying to improve upon the organization, I have re-discovered my passion for crafts and organizing.  I have completed many small projects this year and have many, many more planned for 2012!

The holidays were a blur with our busy schedules but we managed to enjoy some quality time together just the  six of us.

Looking forward to 2012 I have so many resolutions/plans and I am feeling a bit overwhelmed by it all but I figure I will take it one day at a time and do the best I can!

I wish the best to all reading this and here's to an amazing 2012 :)

Sacrifices

As parents we make many sacrifices, often beginning as soon as we conceive - giving up bad habits, becoming less selfish, and putting the unborn child before ourselves.  As they grow it seems so do the sacrifices - working harder to earn more money to provide more for them, buying for them instead of ourselves, giving up hobbies and interests for theirs, and sometimes even friends, family and relationships are sacrificed.

This is what we do for our children.

Over the years I feel blessed that many sacrifices I have made have been fairly painless.  I never smoked and didn't drink so no sacrifices there :)  My social life did change a bit but that could also be attributed to my growing age as well (ha ha).  As parents Jay and I have always believed that our children were additions to our life and compliment us, so instead of completely cutting things out we found a way to include them.  Jay continued to play softball and it became our fun family nights at the ball fields.  We continued to go out to dinner and join our friends whenever possible.

My first real sacrifice came when I became a SAHM (you know that story - if not you can read about it here).  Although that was very painfully hard (sacrificing who I was and my former identity) my current sacrifice is giving it a run for top spot.

Lilah Grace was having problems/issues in the area of BMs (for the non-medical or non-mommies reading this that is bowel movements).  She was doing just fine then suddenly around 2-3 months she stopped having BMs.  She was always fussy and gassy and it was very upsetting for Jay & I to watch her in so much pain.  We took her to her regular doctor and did everything he suggested - Karo syrup, prune juice, pear juice, suppositories and despite my personal feelings of failure (we moms are good at that aren't we?) even supplementing with formula.  Well each worked once or twice and then didn't work again.  Except the suppositories - they worked every time but it cannot be good to use them often on such a young baby so we took her to a GI doctor.  The GI doctor examined her and said everything looks/seems normal so his first thought was she is allergic to milk.  Of course her being exclusively breastfed (gave up that nasty formula) this means I must give it up.  But this is not what most of you are probably thinking - this is not being lactose intolerant and simply switching to non-dairy stuff. NOPE - this is an allergy to the actual protein in milk and subsequently MANY food products!

My initial research showed the obvious things like milk, cheese, yogurt, ice cream, etc.  But the deeper I dug the more I found.  I discovered the protein in cows milk is casein and in many things that you would not think of like some pastas, boxed meal preps, lunch meats, and other items that I regularly eat.  I am a person who has never dieted a single day of my life; I have never watched what I eat (except to watch it go in my mouth and off my plate); and never paid attention to ingredients or food boxes.  In addition I LOVE stuff with milk!!!  I put cheese on everything, I crave milk constantly since having Lilah Grace, my favorite food is Italian (lasagna, ziti, ravioli, pizza, etc), we eat mexican food and queso dip at least once a week, and did I mention the more cheese the better?

Suddenly life as I know it has changed and in a big way.  I now have to think about not only the actual food I am eating but also the ingredients used to make that food.  Recently while out to eat I figured a salad was safe for me as long as I requested no cheese - well the waiter picked up on my special diet and asked if I had a milk allergy and promptly informed me there was only one dressing that was okay for me to eat as all others had some form of milk used in them.  I read each and every box at the grocery store before putting it in the cart and question everything now.  I miss my favorite foods and long for the day I can have a milkshake.

Now you are probably wondering if I am going to complain this entire post....

Well no because we are actually seeing a difference with Lilah already.  My research stated that it could take 1.5 to 2 weeks for the milk to completely clear my system and another 1.5 to 2 weeks to clear hers.  It has only been 3 weeks and already things are improving for her.  Within days of giving up milk she had a BM and they are coming more frequently now.  She is not as fussy and seems more comfortable and doesn't struggle with her tummy.  It is hard to be upset and sad about my sacrifice when I see first hand the difference it is making in my precious baby.  Of course the guilt ridden mommy side of me feels terrible that I made her suffer so long by drinking so much milk everyday and not discovering sooner what the problem may have been.  But I try to slap that side back and tell her we had no idea and how should we since we had never even heard of this before.

This is a great example of how our sacrifices as parents can turn into rewards because now I get to look at this beautiful face smiling even more at me and know that I am doing everything I can to keep her safe, healthy and happy!

We return to the GI doctor in a few weeks and will report everything that has happened to him.  He will then give us his professional opinion if this is truly a milk allergy and let us know what comes next.  We are very hopeful that this is something she will grow out of quickly!  Until that time I will do what is best for my baby and complain about it every chance I get ;)

Domesticating Taryn - First Year as a SAHM

It has been a year since I quit my job, moved to Georgia and became a full-time stay-at-home-mom.  I still cannot cook, am not a very good house keeper, and my crafty/creative side comes in spurts.  So what exactly did I learn over the past year?  

Not everything about the transition was easy.  It was tough going for a few months with lots of tears, doubts, and yes even some yelling.  In my defense it was a lot for anyone to deal with.  In the course of a month I left my job in Corporate America as the primary bread winner, had Jay move away leaving me alone with three small children, had the kids test me every chance they got, moved to a new state away from everything and everyone I knew - including all my friends and family.  Oh and did I mention I was preggo??  All of that with the added bonus of extreme hormones and emotions - what a great mix (insert sarcasm here).  There were also some hard lessons to be learned and to accept.

I learned:

• some relationships were not as strong as I once thought they were
• poop will get smeared all over a room when 2 and 3 year old boys are left  alone during naptime and get bored (and it is not so fun to clean up)
• My children are budding artists and their preferred medium is permanent black marker on furniture and walls
• It is possible to eat peanut butter and jelly every day
• You have to actually leave your children once and a while in order for them to miss you
• The feeling of returning and hearing them say how much they missed you is one of the best feelings
• No matter how many places and times you think you have locked up and hidden all the scissors, crayons, markers, glue, etc. they will always find one left out or hidden in a special spot
• The random hug, kiss, or 'I love you' can fix even the worst day
• Being a SAHM (particularly without friends and family) can be the loneliest thing at times
• You must prepare any adults that you come into contact with that you are not used to adult interaction and you may abuse it (just ask my hairdresser)
• You really need to find an avenue to express yourself as someone other than Mommy and keep that for yourself (although I received this advice from several people I did not realize how hard it would be to experience the emotions of feeling like my identity was completely gone and the only thing I was good for were diaper changes, wiping butts and noses, and providing meals -to which they would complain about).
• I am able to control myself when confronted with the numerous rude comments such as “Wow you sure have your hands full”; “Are they all yours?”; “They must keep you busy”; and of course the newest and rudest of all “Oh Good (insert Lords name here)”.  I have yet to slap someone or say something very nasty and rude in response.
• Kids can drive you completely, totally, over the top crazy one minute but the next give you a sweet smile or stare at you with innocent eyes and all is forgotten.
• It is possible to transport 3 walking children, one baby in a stroller, 4 fold up chairs, a cooler, a diaper bag, and sports equipment down a bumpy hill all by myself (several times a week).
• I must say the same thing at least 10 times before a response will ever be received.

I recently had a brief glimpse into my former life and for a split second I missed it.  I had to go to Atlanta to get a new ID badge for work.  I drove into the city, found parking, and headed into a Federal Building.  I was there during lunch and saw many people in their business attire, wearing badges, walking through the hallways off to their meetings, offices, or lunch room.  I saw others sitting around tables laughing and talking with co-workers (ADULTS!).  A part of me felt right at home like I hadn’t been gone for almost a year and a part of me missed it.  You know that side of me that felt like I contributed to the family and that I had a real purpose.  Those feelings lasted until I got back out to my car and headed out into Atlanta to find my way home.  At that point (after about 15 turns to go 5 blocks) I remembered why we made the move and how grateful I am that we live where we do and the life I have!

I believe that some of us are just not wired to be the perfect housewife and homemaker.  That people like me are needed to keep the restaurants and fast food chains in business and that cleaning services are there for a reason (hopefully my hubby will agree and let me get one again). 

Besides, when they are older what are my children going to remember the most (besides some of the REALLY bad meals)?  Will they remember that the floors and countertops were not always spotless; that the toys were spattered around the entire house; that the dishes piled up in the sink; and that I complained about housework?  OR will they remember all the day trips and fun adventures we had, that every time Daddy was off work we spent the time together as a family even if it was to run errands or clean the garage; that some days we just all snuggled on the couch watching tv or reading books; that I was here to put them on and get them off the bus and that our house was the place everyone played at after school; that I didn’t let a day go by without kissing and hugging them and telling them how much I loved them?  Now, in my mind THOSE are the things they will remember and the moments that they will treasure because I certainly do!!!

This is by far the hardest job I have ever had but at the same time it is hands down the most rewarding!  I of course would not have any of this if it was not for my AWESOME and absolutely AMAZING husband!!!  He left a warehouse that he was very happy with, friends and family to relocate and start over all because we wanted me to be home with the kids!  He not only works hard at his job and provides us everything we want and need but he picks up ALL of my slack around the house!  He cooks, cleans, does laundry, dishes and anything else that is needed (see he really is the domestic one ;) ).  Oh and he is my rock, sounding board, and the one to talk me off the ledge or just bring me back down to Earth when I get out of control.  This past year has certainly not been easy on him either but he has remained positive and supportive no matter what. 

I will continue to work towards domestication but in the meantime I plan to enjoy every moment I have with my precious babies because they go by way too fast.  

Gender Identity (and other random thoughts)

So I have recently been struggling (well not really struggling but spending some time thinking) about gender identity and in particular how we are raising our children and if we are putting too many constraints on them – or maybe not enough (something I will get to in a bit).  But first some random thoughts by Taryn….  (I should have my own show or something).

People think in many different ways and in many different places.  My deepest thoughts typically tend to occur in two places – the car when alone or on long trips and… in the shower.  Some people sing in the shower but not this girl – I am a deep thinking shower person.  Now if only I could invent some sort of water-proof-note-taking-capture-all-my-thoughts kinda apparatus I would be set.  I have over the years come up with some quick solutions to this problem such as – jumping out of the shower soaking wet to grab some paper and jot it down (yes folks my brain is that fried and as fast as a thought enters my mind it is then gone), yelling for Jay and having HIM grab the paper and pen to jot down my thoughts, and of course repeating them over and over again until I am done so I can grab a paper and pen to jot them down.  These days of course pen and paper seem so old fashioned (and they do cause me a great deal of pain because of my RA in my hands and fingers) so I tend to run for the closet piece of electronic equipment and begin to type.  I do still have thoughts at night and keep pen and paper beside my bed but folks some of my best work has been thought up in the shower.  Imagine the embarrassment of my boss one day when we were in a meeting (small group of folks) and brainstorming and I started rambling (I tend to do that you know) about all of my fantastic ideas.  He responded with a smile saying that my ideas were actually great (genius is the word I think he actually used but I don’t want to rub it in too much) and that we (and by we he actually meant me) should put them down in a logical business appropriate format and begin implementing them.  He then asked when I had time to come up with such greatness considering I was super-mom (of 3 at the time), commuting no less than 3 hours a day, working 9+ hour days and all that other good stuff.  My not always thinking before I speak, blurted out “in the shower of course” (I believe I also added my previous statement from above regarding some of my best work being done there to which I blushed and became extremely embarrassed).  Good thing he and I had a very unique relationship and we both just let it roll. 

Anyway, now that I have completely digressed and babbled aimlessly let’s get back to the topic (and subject of this post).   So while trying to think of gift ideas for my recent birthday I kept coming back to a neoprene sleeve for my ipad.  I use the word ‘my’ very loosely because although it was purchased for me and I am the one that did the extensive research, comparison and stress over it, ‘I’ am actually not the one who uses it much at all.  That honor goes to our precious children (you will know why the sarcasm in just a moment).  Those precious babies love to play on it all the time and really that is part of why I got it I just assumed I would be able to use it occasionally.  Anyway – those babies tend to be a bit rough with it (it has been dropped a few times and has a nice big scratch), they tend to have some sort of sticky substance on their hands when they decide to use it, and it gets carried in my ‘Mom Bag’ everywhere we go.  Those of you reading this who are moms understand just how much stuff can accumulate in the mom bag (crayons, pens, monster trucks, matchbox cars, earrings, bracelets, loose goldfish and chewy snacks, etc etc etc) and therefore know why I feel it is best to protect this big investment as much as I can. 

Okay another digression – so what exactly does this have to do with gender identity Taryn???  Well the sleeves I am most drawn to are the flower, retro, girlie ones!  Yep in my matured aged I have become quite taken by all things pink, purple, brown and frilly (what happened to that tom boy from back in the day?).  Of course there are some pretty neat looking VT ones out there but they are pretty expensive and I have trouble justifying paying double for something that works just the same as the less expensive prints.  So why did I not get one yet – well because I keep thinking of my awesome hubby and my two boys and wonder if I really should put girlie stuff all over an item they use a great deal of the time.  This same debate occurred when buying the magnetic cover for the ipad – I REALLY liked/wanted the pink and despite my hubby saying he didn’t care and it didn’t matter what color I got I went with a gender neutral color of orange (also because blue seemed so played out and the orange seemed to match VT colors).

This is not the first time the great electronic color debate has occurred – my DS is pretty pink along with all the accessories for it.  A purchase made a few years ago when I was commuting so much and the intent was I would really be the only one to use it.  Of course it didn’t stop Jay taking it on a couple of plane trips for entertainment (he is pretty cool like that and doesn’t care what others think).  Now of course the kids are older and are asking for a DS of their very own – well I am thinking I have this one that I hardly ever use (except when I can’t sleep and those clubhouse games see some action) so why spend money on something the kids will ultimately break or lose so I decided instead we will buy some age appropriate games for them.  Of course this means that the boys are playing with a pretty pink DS J

So you may be asking yourself why so much deep thought on this topic?  Seems pretty easy for a normal logical person that you make the big purchases in gender neutral colors so the whole family can use them and they can be passed down from kid to kid (if they survive) and save the uber girlie stuff for smaller items that are just mine (and the girls of course).  Well most of you reading this already know that I am not a normal logical person and I tend to spend too much time wasted on little things like this.  BUT, in my defense it goes a bit further than that. 

My boys have spent their entire 3 and 4.5 years with an older sister (duh).  She is not an over-the-top girlie girl but she does enjoy the princesses, dressing up, skirts, dresses, bikinis, babies and of course Barbies.  I think it is just a fact of life that as the little brother of a sister you are going to at some point be forced to wearing a princess dress, some heels, having your hair done and maybe a bit of makeup.  As a parent these moments are comical and precious (and yes photo worthy of course).  How else when I let my boys date and bring home girls when they are 30 will I embarrass them?!?!  Even the playing house, kitchen and Barbies are totally acceptable in our house.  We try to supply equal opportunity around here – we have the same amount of boy dress up clothes as we do girl; we have ‘boy barbies’ aka GI Joe dolls and Indiana Jones dolls; we have pink jeeps and girl like monster trucks, and the list goes on.  So why is it that most days my sweet G-Man prefers to wear girl stuff?  I am not just talking about the occasional girl dress up but also P-Nut’s shorts, skirts, dresses, etc.  He wears headbands in his hair and princess heels?  He also has recently been found to carry a pink bag/purse with him to the ball fields with his toys.  Now what was in the bag was a bunch of trucks and cars and such but he has his own backpack and tote bags to carry things in. 

His reaction to all of this stuff is quite cute because he is very proud and wants to show himself off.  He requests pictures and proudly smiles and says “Cheese” as the pictures of him are being taken.  I feel like this is maybe the critical time for a parent to set some sort of tone.  But is it?  Is this kids being kids and just a phase that he will grow out of?  Does he just like the reaction he gets from everyone and is he so eager to please his adored big sis that he does this stuff? It seems he does them naturally and will spend an entire day wearing a dress or something else and go about his every day business without so much as a thought.  He also will question me when I tell him he needs to change so he can go outside to play or leave the house.  “Why Mommy?”

Now let me just go ahead and add here for those that may be thinking I am some sort of hater or other ugly person – I AM NOT!!!  I can honestly say that if any of my children are attracted to the same sex I will support and love them unconditionally and stand by them in whatever they do!!!!  PERIOD.  That is not what this is about.  This is about deciding if we teach our kids that there are specific girl things and specific boy things.  That there is a line and that it should be adhered to.  That maybe going outside to play in the neighbor’s yard with a purple flower shirt and booty shorts as a 3 year old boy is not the best choice, etc…  It is about being a parent and going into protective mode at the sheer thought of my child being picked on.  Why provide kids any more ammo to be mean when they seem to have enough of their own?  I mean come on people we have already heard several of the ‘graham cracker’ jokes and I am sure there will be TONS more once he starts school. 

So what are your thoughts?  Those of you with boys and girls or those who grew up with brothers and sisters – how do you or did your parents handle this?  Although I have an amazing big brother that I love to death he did not live with us so it was just my little sister and I.  All the toys were girls toys (aka Barbies, babies, princesses, etc) so I do not recall this ever coming up. 

Call Me Crazy

I was working sign-ups for fall sports tonight so I was set up at a table in the lobby of a building we use. It happened that another group had rented out part of the area tonight as well.  This group was meeting about foster care.  While the adults met in a separate room the children were playing in the gym which happened to be beside us.

A little girl came out and asked if we did cheerleading - she was adorable, probably around 3 with a cute ponytail, great smile, and the sweetest little voice.  I told her "why yes we do - do you want to be a cheerleader?".  Her response - "I really want to be a cheerleader can I have the pom poms?".  She cracked me up.  She continued to come out to ask me if she could "pretty please" get some pom poms.  Before I realized why she was there I caught myself about to tell her to ask her parents to sign her up and she could get some.  Then I realized - this little girl doesn't have parents.  None of those children in that gym who were running around, laughing, chasing each other and smiling had parents.  How unfair is that?

Now I know that those wonderful people on the other side of the building were likely in there discussing how they were going to care for those precious little ones in the gym and I hope and pray they do.  But for an instant I thought - we have enough love in our hearts and home for a child like her.  I wanted to grab her up and give her a big hug and tell her everything was going to be okay.

You may be thinking why in the world would someone so blessed with 4 amazing babies feel the need to add another?  Well I guess because I just couldn't stand the thought of a child not having parents or knowing what it feels like to be loved unconditionally.  I also think in the back of my mind I always considered it was an option for us.  Most of you probably know but we didn't always realize how blessed we would be.  We had many problems trying to start a family and went through years of fertility treatments and disappointment.  We were at the point of accepting we would probably not have biological children and decided we would adopt (even started the paperwork).  That is when we got our first blessing - Payton :)  After that we knew we wanted a large family and once again turned to fertility treatments - this time it was better and along came our second blessing - Cole.  The true blessings are Graham and Lilah Grace who we were able to have all on our own!  Each of them a precious gift that we will never take for granted!

So as I looked across the table at those cute brown eyes and little smile I thought to myself maybe we still could.  Of course when I relayed this story to Jay and told him my tiny little thought his reaction was enough to say not right now and I am a bit crazy :)