The End of an Era

Well it seems the day has come that I have nursed my last baby :(  This is actually very sad for me because I really had wanted to nurse Lilah Grace for a year like the others.  For those fellow mommies out there that can relate this was a special time for us and something that only I could give to my babies (unless of course you are Salma Hayek or something).  It meant a lot to me to do this for them and lets be honest it was EASY - no messy bottles or stinky formula to prepare, nothing to forget at home (well except a cover up on occasion), no cost :), it was always there and ready at just the right temperature.  Okay, okay - maybe not always entirely easy.  I do recall the days of being a first time mommy when it felt like I was nothing more than a human milk machine and crying constantly; dealing with a snacker who constantly fell asleep; getting engorged; and of course being the one to feed them during nighttime wake ups.  But those times are far outweighed by the good memories - the cute little suckle noises and precious little lips; the tiny little hands reaching out and holding onto me (Lilah even massaged me as she ate); the incredible feeling of love and attachment; and so much more that I will miss.

Many factors went into making this decision and I pondered over them a great deal.  First of course was my own personal health.  My RA (rheumatoid arthritis) is worse than ever and most mornings I can barely function.  I cannot open jars or bottles and trying to dress Lilah is a long process.  Carrying the kids is almost out of the question and buckling their carseats takes a great deal of pain and effort.  I cannot treat my RA while nursing as none of the meds are safe for her and I am continuing to do permanent damage to my joints the longer it goes untreated.  Jay informed me that I will be a better mother in the long run if I take care of myself.

Along the same line is the fact that I have found myself to be on edge more recently (hmmm go figure with four kids age 6 and under) and I have become short with the kids and lacking motivation.  Soooo it is about time to find something to help me cope a bit better.

And the biggest deciding factor is my milk production.  I guess I should be happy that I was able to nurse four babies as long as I did.  What really did me in is having to cut out all milk and milk products from my own diet due to Lilah's milk protein allergy.  It is really hard to produce a sufficient amount of milk when you are not getting any yourself.  Of course part of me feels like I have failed in some way!  And don't even get me started on the cost of the special formula that has to be used without any milk protein (double the cost of the other stuff).

Looking on the bright side I guess I can have a milkshake, chocolate cake with ice cream and chocolate sauce, and any other yummy treats I have been missing out on.