So I have recently been struggling (well not really struggling but spending some time thinking) about gender identity and in particular how we are raising our children and if we are putting too many constraints on them – or maybe not enough (something I will get to in a bit). But first some random thoughts by Taryn…. (I should have my own show or something).
People think in many different ways and in many different places. My deepest thoughts typically tend to occur in two places – the car when alone or on long trips and… in the shower. Some people sing in the shower but not this girl – I am a deep thinking shower person. Now if only I could invent some sort of water-proof-note-taking-capture-all-my-thoughts kinda apparatus I would be set. I have over the years come up with some quick solutions to this problem such as – jumping out of the shower soaking wet to grab some paper and jot it down (yes folks my brain is that fried and as fast as a thought enters my mind it is then gone), yelling for Jay and having HIM grab the paper and pen to jot down my thoughts, and of course repeating them over and over again until I am done so I can grab a paper and pen to jot them down. These days of course pen and paper seem so old fashioned (and they do cause me a great deal of pain because of my RA in my hands and fingers) so I tend to run for the closet piece of electronic equipment and begin to type. I do still have thoughts at night and keep pen and paper beside my bed but folks some of my best work has been thought up in the shower. Imagine the embarrassment of my boss one day when we were in a meeting (small group of folks) and brainstorming and I started rambling (I tend to do that you know) about all of my fantastic ideas. He responded with a smile saying that my ideas were actually great (genius is the word I think he actually used but I don’t want to rub it in too much) and that we (and by we he actually meant me) should put them down in a logical business appropriate format and begin implementing them. He then asked when I had time to come up with such greatness considering I was super-mom (of 3 at the time), commuting no less than 3 hours a day, working 9+ hour days and all that other good stuff. My not always thinking before I speak, blurted out “in the shower of course” (I believe I also added my previous statement from above regarding some of my best work being done there to which I blushed and became extremely embarrassed). Good thing he and I had a very unique relationship and we both just let it roll.
Anyway, now that I have completely digressed and babbled aimlessly let’s get back to the topic (and subject of this post). So while trying to think of gift ideas for my recent birthday I kept coming back to a neoprene sleeve for my ipad. I use the word ‘my’ very loosely because although it was purchased for me and I am the one that did the extensive research, comparison and stress over it, ‘I’ am actually not the one who uses it much at all. That honor goes to our precious children (you will know why the sarcasm in just a moment). Those precious babies love to play on it all the time and really that is part of why I got it I just assumed I would be able to use it occasionally. Anyway – those babies tend to be a bit rough with it (it has been dropped a few times and has a nice big scratch), they tend to have some sort of sticky substance on their hands when they decide to use it, and it gets carried in my ‘Mom Bag’ everywhere we go. Those of you reading this who are moms understand just how much stuff can accumulate in the mom bag (crayons, pens, monster trucks, matchbox cars, earrings, bracelets, loose goldfish and chewy snacks, etc etc etc) and therefore know why I feel it is best to protect this big investment as much as I can.
Okay another digression – so what exactly does this have to do with gender identity Taryn??? Well the sleeves I am most drawn to are the flower, retro, girlie ones! Yep in my matured aged I have become quite taken by all things pink, purple, brown and frilly (what happened to that tom boy from back in the day?). Of course there are some pretty neat looking VT ones out there but they are pretty expensive and I have trouble justifying paying double for something that works just the same as the less expensive prints. So why did I not get one yet – well because I keep thinking of my awesome hubby and my two boys and wonder if I really should put girlie stuff all over an item they use a great deal of the time. This same debate occurred when buying the magnetic cover for the ipad – I REALLY liked/wanted the pink and despite my hubby saying he didn’t care and it didn’t matter what color I got I went with a gender neutral color of orange (also because blue seemed so played out and the orange seemed to match VT colors).
This is not the first time the great electronic color debate has occurred – my DS is pretty pink along with all the accessories for it. A purchase made a few years ago when I was commuting so much and the intent was I would really be the only one to use it. Of course it didn’t stop Jay taking it on a couple of plane trips for entertainment (he is pretty cool like that and doesn’t care what others think). Now of course the kids are older and are asking for a DS of their very own – well I am thinking I have this one that I hardly ever use (except when I can’t sleep and those clubhouse games see some action) so why spend money on something the kids will ultimately break or lose so I decided instead we will buy some age appropriate games for them. Of course this means that the boys are playing with a pretty pink DS J
So you may be asking yourself why so much deep thought on this topic? Seems pretty easy for a normal logical person that you make the big purchases in gender neutral colors so the whole family can use them and they can be passed down from kid to kid (if they survive) and save the uber girlie stuff for smaller items that are just mine (and the girls of course). Well most of you reading this already know that I am not a normal logical person and I tend to spend too much time wasted on little things like this. BUT, in my defense it goes a bit further than that.
My boys have spent their entire 3 and 4.5 years with an older sister (duh). She is not an over-the-top girlie girl but she does enjoy the princesses, dressing up, skirts, dresses, bikinis, babies and of course Barbies. I think it is just a fact of life that as the little brother of a sister you are going to at some point be forced to wearing a princess dress, some heels, having your hair done and maybe a bit of makeup. As a parent these moments are comical and precious (and yes photo worthy of course). How else when I let my boys date and bring home girls when they are 30 will I embarrass them?!?! Even the playing house, kitchen and Barbies are totally acceptable in our house. We try to supply equal opportunity around here – we have the same amount of boy dress up clothes as we do girl; we have ‘boy barbies’ aka GI Joe dolls and Indiana Jones dolls; we have pink jeeps and girl like monster trucks, and the list goes on. So why is it that most days my sweet G-Man prefers to wear girl stuff? I am not just talking about the occasional girl dress up but also P-Nut’s shorts, skirts, dresses, etc. He wears headbands in his hair and princess heels? He also has recently been found to carry a pink bag/purse with him to the ball fields with his toys. Now what was in the bag was a bunch of trucks and cars and such but he has his own backpack and tote bags to carry things in.
His reaction to all of this stuff is quite cute because he is very proud and wants to show himself off. He requests pictures and proudly smiles and says “Cheese” as the pictures of him are being taken. I feel like this is maybe the critical time for a parent to set some sort of tone. But is it? Is this kids being kids and just a phase that he will grow out of? Does he just like the reaction he gets from everyone and is he so eager to please his adored big sis that he does this stuff? It seems he does them naturally and will spend an entire day wearing a dress or something else and go about his every day business without so much as a thought. He also will question me when I tell him he needs to change so he can go outside to play or leave the house. “Why Mommy?”
Now let me just go ahead and add here for those that may be thinking I am some sort of hater or other ugly person – I AM NOT!!! I can honestly say that if any of my children are attracted to the same sex I will support and love them unconditionally and stand by them in whatever they do!!!! PERIOD. That is not what this is about. This is about deciding if we teach our kids that there are specific girl things and specific boy things. That there is a line and that it should be adhered to. That maybe going outside to play in the neighbor’s yard with a purple flower shirt and booty shorts as a 3 year old boy is not the best choice, etc… It is about being a parent and going into protective mode at the sheer thought of my child being picked on. Why provide kids any more ammo to be mean when they seem to have enough of their own? I mean come on people we have already heard several of the ‘graham cracker’ jokes and I am sure there will be TONS more once he starts school.
So what are your thoughts? Those of you with boys and girls or those who grew up with brothers and sisters – how do you or did your parents handle this? Although I have an amazing big brother that I love to death he did not live with us so it was just my little sister and I. All the toys were girls toys (aka Barbies, babies, princesses, etc) so I do not recall this ever coming up.
First off, Ezra and G, both being September '08 babies, are very much alike. Ezra prefers all things girly and pink. When we went birthday shopping today he picked out "boy" toys, like legos...but he picked the sets with the girl characters. He wears dresses...all day. We don't make a big deal of it but do ask he dress appropriately in public. My decision for this is based on my mother's experiences as a child.
ReplyDeleteShe was a huge tomboy, one of 5 kids with only one of her siblings being a girl (who was as girly as they comes). My mother was her opposite. My mother wanted to be a boy. She hated dresses and insisted her hair be cut short. This was in the 60's. She said when pelple mistook her for a boy, she felt a secret joy. She also told me that if someone had asked, "Shall I make you a boy?" she would have said yes...right up to her preteen years. Her mother insisted she dress like a little girl when they went out but let her indulge her boyishness as much as she wanted when she was home. She remembers hating every minute of those dresses. Still, my mother, who was never attracted to woman and said she only ever dreamed of being a mother....even while playing soccer...says she's thankful her mother "kept her in check". She told me that if she had a mother like Angelina Jolie (who lets Shiloh be a boy) she might have found herself to deep into something she couldn't get out of when she was ready. She embraced her femininity when she hit puberty and found out she could be a girl and still enjoy the fun boy things.
I don't think that a 3 year old knows for *sure what's best for him. He knows what he wants in the moment but I don't think we can understand his motives. For now, I agree with your course of action. It's ok to ask him to be "presentable" in public to save him from ridicule at this young age. If he's a teenager and still insisting on wearing dresses than maybe it's more than a phase, lol. Until then, support him and indulge him when he's in a safe and nurturing enviroment and ask him to wear his going out clothes in public. If this is a lifestyle choice rather than a toddler game, he'll understand why you did what you did and he'll probably feel comfortable to tell you so.
Sorry for the novel, lol.
I only had girls ( as you know ) so do not know this situation first hand, but I totally agree with EverFive. As mothers we need to protect & yet give freedom when necessary. So insisting on him wearing gender appropriate clothing in public ,is a wise decision & letting him have the freedom to choose, while in private is best. At least until he is at the age ( maturity ) where he can be capable of deciding this for himself.
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