SAHM Update

It has been a few weeks since writing and posting about my first year as a SAHM and I feel like much has changed in that short period of time.  I guess having the older two in school full time and finally getting the house cleaner and a bit more organized has helped me.  I feel like I am becoming better at things and have received positive feedback. 

I am forming a new identity and I must admit that I think I like it more than my previous one J 

Recently I have been told by several different people (at completely different times) that I am always so calm and handle 4 kids with such ease (at least my public appearances are convincing).  I also recently was told that I am “that woman” that can be a wife, mother to 4 and still find time to help others.  I have always thrived under pressure and once again it is proving true.  I have so much going on right now but it seems I am doing my best yet. 

I joined the board of directors of the local youth recreation sports (where the kids play) earlier this year as the Marketing Assistant.  At the beginning of summer the Marketing Director (who I had been helping) stepped down and I was appointed to become the Marketing Director.  I enjoyed stepping up and taking on more responsibility.  Recently I agreed to also be appointed as the Treasurer and am spending even more time on things.  But it is making me happy.  I like the feeling of contributing and having input into something important in our community and lives of children.  I also like how it has enabled me to meet so many people and form friendships.  I like being at the ball fields and running into people I know.  I am coming out of my shell and being a lot more open to people.

I am still working part time and typically work from home in the mornings while Jay is home before going to work.  I volunteer at the school and this past week I worked a full day at the book fair at Payton’s school.  Again a good feeling.  I have signed up to volunteer as a helper in the church nursery and look forward to starting that (I typically end up in there anyway since Lilah seems to demand my presence at all times).

The kids are getting into a good routine and they are becoming more loving and appreciative of me as well (especially G-Man during our alone times).  I am getting into a groove and discovering all that my new life has to offer.

I guess you could say I am finally becoming the Super Mommy I always dreamed of being J  But you can just call me Taryn ;)

Sacrifices

As parents we make many sacrifices, often beginning as soon as we conceive - giving up bad habits, becoming less selfish, and putting the unborn child before ourselves.  As they grow it seems so do the sacrifices - working harder to earn more money to provide more for them, buying for them instead of ourselves, giving up hobbies and interests for theirs, and sometimes even friends, family and relationships are sacrificed.

This is what we do for our children.

Over the years I feel blessed that many sacrifices I have made have been fairly painless.  I never smoked and didn't drink so no sacrifices there :)  My social life did change a bit but that could also be attributed to my growing age as well (ha ha).  As parents Jay and I have always believed that our children were additions to our life and compliment us, so instead of completely cutting things out we found a way to include them.  Jay continued to play softball and it became our fun family nights at the ball fields.  We continued to go out to dinner and join our friends whenever possible.

My first real sacrifice came when I became a SAHM (you know that story - if not you can read about it here).  Although that was very painfully hard (sacrificing who I was and my former identity) my current sacrifice is giving it a run for top spot.

Lilah Grace was having problems/issues in the area of BMs (for the non-medical or non-mommies reading this that is bowel movements).  She was doing just fine then suddenly around 2-3 months she stopped having BMs.  She was always fussy and gassy and it was very upsetting for Jay & I to watch her in so much pain.  We took her to her regular doctor and did everything he suggested - Karo syrup, prune juice, pear juice, suppositories and despite my personal feelings of failure (we moms are good at that aren't we?) even supplementing with formula.  Well each worked once or twice and then didn't work again.  Except the suppositories - they worked every time but it cannot be good to use them often on such a young baby so we took her to a GI doctor.  The GI doctor examined her and said everything looks/seems normal so his first thought was she is allergic to milk.  Of course her being exclusively breastfed (gave up that nasty formula) this means I must give it up.  But this is not what most of you are probably thinking - this is not being lactose intolerant and simply switching to non-dairy stuff. NOPE - this is an allergy to the actual protein in milk and subsequently MANY food products!

My initial research showed the obvious things like milk, cheese, yogurt, ice cream, etc.  But the deeper I dug the more I found.  I discovered the protein in cows milk is casein and in many things that you would not think of like some pastas, boxed meal preps, lunch meats, and other items that I regularly eat.  I am a person who has never dieted a single day of my life; I have never watched what I eat (except to watch it go in my mouth and off my plate); and never paid attention to ingredients or food boxes.  In addition I LOVE stuff with milk!!!  I put cheese on everything, I crave milk constantly since having Lilah Grace, my favorite food is Italian (lasagna, ziti, ravioli, pizza, etc), we eat mexican food and queso dip at least once a week, and did I mention the more cheese the better?

Suddenly life as I know it has changed and in a big way.  I now have to think about not only the actual food I am eating but also the ingredients used to make that food.  Recently while out to eat I figured a salad was safe for me as long as I requested no cheese - well the waiter picked up on my special diet and asked if I had a milk allergy and promptly informed me there was only one dressing that was okay for me to eat as all others had some form of milk used in them.  I read each and every box at the grocery store before putting it in the cart and question everything now.  I miss my favorite foods and long for the day I can have a milkshake.

Now you are probably wondering if I am going to complain this entire post....

Well no because we are actually seeing a difference with Lilah already.  My research stated that it could take 1.5 to 2 weeks for the milk to completely clear my system and another 1.5 to 2 weeks to clear hers.  It has only been 3 weeks and already things are improving for her.  Within days of giving up milk she had a BM and they are coming more frequently now.  She is not as fussy and seems more comfortable and doesn't struggle with her tummy.  It is hard to be upset and sad about my sacrifice when I see first hand the difference it is making in my precious baby.  Of course the guilt ridden mommy side of me feels terrible that I made her suffer so long by drinking so much milk everyday and not discovering sooner what the problem may have been.  But I try to slap that side back and tell her we had no idea and how should we since we had never even heard of this before.

This is a great example of how our sacrifices as parents can turn into rewards because now I get to look at this beautiful face smiling even more at me and know that I am doing everything I can to keep her safe, healthy and happy!

We return to the GI doctor in a few weeks and will report everything that has happened to him.  He will then give us his professional opinion if this is truly a milk allergy and let us know what comes next.  We are very hopeful that this is something she will grow out of quickly!  Until that time I will do what is best for my baby and complain about it every chance I get ;)

Domesticating Taryn - First Year as a SAHM

It has been a year since I quit my job, moved to Georgia and became a full-time stay-at-home-mom.  I still cannot cook, am not a very good house keeper, and my crafty/creative side comes in spurts.  So what exactly did I learn over the past year?  

Not everything about the transition was easy.  It was tough going for a few months with lots of tears, doubts, and yes even some yelling.  In my defense it was a lot for anyone to deal with.  In the course of a month I left my job in Corporate America as the primary bread winner, had Jay move away leaving me alone with three small children, had the kids test me every chance they got, moved to a new state away from everything and everyone I knew - including all my friends and family.  Oh and did I mention I was preggo??  All of that with the added bonus of extreme hormones and emotions - what a great mix (insert sarcasm here).  There were also some hard lessons to be learned and to accept.

I learned:

• some relationships were not as strong as I once thought they were
• poop will get smeared all over a room when 2 and 3 year old boys are left  alone during naptime and get bored (and it is not so fun to clean up)
• My children are budding artists and their preferred medium is permanent black marker on furniture and walls
• It is possible to eat peanut butter and jelly every day
• You have to actually leave your children once and a while in order for them to miss you
• The feeling of returning and hearing them say how much they missed you is one of the best feelings
• No matter how many places and times you think you have locked up and hidden all the scissors, crayons, markers, glue, etc. they will always find one left out or hidden in a special spot
• The random hug, kiss, or 'I love you' can fix even the worst day
• Being a SAHM (particularly without friends and family) can be the loneliest thing at times
• You must prepare any adults that you come into contact with that you are not used to adult interaction and you may abuse it (just ask my hairdresser)
• You really need to find an avenue to express yourself as someone other than Mommy and keep that for yourself (although I received this advice from several people I did not realize how hard it would be to experience the emotions of feeling like my identity was completely gone and the only thing I was good for were diaper changes, wiping butts and noses, and providing meals -to which they would complain about).
• I am able to control myself when confronted with the numerous rude comments such as “Wow you sure have your hands full”; “Are they all yours?”; “They must keep you busy”; and of course the newest and rudest of all “Oh Good (insert Lords name here)”.  I have yet to slap someone or say something very nasty and rude in response.
• Kids can drive you completely, totally, over the top crazy one minute but the next give you a sweet smile or stare at you with innocent eyes and all is forgotten.
• It is possible to transport 3 walking children, one baby in a stroller, 4 fold up chairs, a cooler, a diaper bag, and sports equipment down a bumpy hill all by myself (several times a week).
• I must say the same thing at least 10 times before a response will ever be received.

I recently had a brief glimpse into my former life and for a split second I missed it.  I had to go to Atlanta to get a new ID badge for work.  I drove into the city, found parking, and headed into a Federal Building.  I was there during lunch and saw many people in their business attire, wearing badges, walking through the hallways off to their meetings, offices, or lunch room.  I saw others sitting around tables laughing and talking with co-workers (ADULTS!).  A part of me felt right at home like I hadn’t been gone for almost a year and a part of me missed it.  You know that side of me that felt like I contributed to the family and that I had a real purpose.  Those feelings lasted until I got back out to my car and headed out into Atlanta to find my way home.  At that point (after about 15 turns to go 5 blocks) I remembered why we made the move and how grateful I am that we live where we do and the life I have!

I believe that some of us are just not wired to be the perfect housewife and homemaker.  That people like me are needed to keep the restaurants and fast food chains in business and that cleaning services are there for a reason (hopefully my hubby will agree and let me get one again). 

Besides, when they are older what are my children going to remember the most (besides some of the REALLY bad meals)?  Will they remember that the floors and countertops were not always spotless; that the toys were spattered around the entire house; that the dishes piled up in the sink; and that I complained about housework?  OR will they remember all the day trips and fun adventures we had, that every time Daddy was off work we spent the time together as a family even if it was to run errands or clean the garage; that some days we just all snuggled on the couch watching tv or reading books; that I was here to put them on and get them off the bus and that our house was the place everyone played at after school; that I didn’t let a day go by without kissing and hugging them and telling them how much I loved them?  Now, in my mind THOSE are the things they will remember and the moments that they will treasure because I certainly do!!!

This is by far the hardest job I have ever had but at the same time it is hands down the most rewarding!  I of course would not have any of this if it was not for my AWESOME and absolutely AMAZING husband!!!  He left a warehouse that he was very happy with, friends and family to relocate and start over all because we wanted me to be home with the kids!  He not only works hard at his job and provides us everything we want and need but he picks up ALL of my slack around the house!  He cooks, cleans, does laundry, dishes and anything else that is needed (see he really is the domestic one ;) ).  Oh and he is my rock, sounding board, and the one to talk me off the ledge or just bring me back down to Earth when I get out of control.  This past year has certainly not been easy on him either but he has remained positive and supportive no matter what. 

I will continue to work towards domestication but in the meantime I plan to enjoy every moment I have with my precious babies because they go by way too fast.  

Back to School - otherwise known as Mommy is getting her sanity back

The long anticipated day has arrived and the kids have gone back to school.  This is a very bittersweet moment for me as I have both been looking forward to it but also dreading it.  This was my first summer home with the kids - EVER.  As I am just approaching my one year anniversary of being a SAHM (stay tuned for an upcoming post about that) I have never experienced the joy of summer break.

I had so many plans for ALL the amazingly fantastic awe inspiring things we were going to do together.  Well....we didn't actually get to all of them.  I could go on and on about the excuses reasons why we did not but really why bore you with those?  For this reason I wanted the summer to last a bit longer.  Our summer break was extended by a month due to the tornado damage but by the beginning of August my countdown to the return of school had begun.

We began picking up school supplies each week as they went on sale and the kids just couldn't wait to pick out their backpacks and lunch boxes.  Although they had a good time playing outside, at the pool, the park and the other little adventures we had over the summer - our kids LOVE school.  They began asking when they would go back the week after it ended in May :)  So the past couple weeks leading up to school have been much anticipated.

Well after all that anticipation we had to wait an additional day because the night before school was supposed to start we got hit with a major storm which caused flooding, downed trees and power lines so the first day was cancelled.  Go figure...

So now the part you all really care about - the pictures!

The backpacks were hung by the front door with care....in hopes that the first day soon would be there...

Payton was pretty grumpy that first morning as she didn't want to go to bed early like we tried so we did have some drama and tears but I think she still looks beautiful.

I still cannot believe she is in the first grade!!

She chose a Barbie backpack and coordinating big girl lunch box this year.

Walking to the school bus (which picks up in front of our house).

With a final "Good Luck" and kiss from Daddy she was off.

We entered Cole into a full-time Pre-K program this year.  I am still not completely sure about our decision but we think he will benefit greatly from it (Jay also really likes the fact that it is completely FREE).  Our big boy is growing up so fast and these photos show just how big he is.

So handsome isn't he?

Off to Preschool he goes (he was so excited).

He chose a super hero backpack and Transformers lunch box.

Off he goes into his class.

How cute is his name on his very own seat?

Now that my big babies are off to school full-time I am hoping to spend some serious quality time with my little babies as they will be gone before I know it.

Gender Identity (and other random thoughts)

So I have recently been struggling (well not really struggling but spending some time thinking) about gender identity and in particular how we are raising our children and if we are putting too many constraints on them – or maybe not enough (something I will get to in a bit).  But first some random thoughts by Taryn….  (I should have my own show or something).

People think in many different ways and in many different places.  My deepest thoughts typically tend to occur in two places – the car when alone or on long trips and… in the shower.  Some people sing in the shower but not this girl – I am a deep thinking shower person.  Now if only I could invent some sort of water-proof-note-taking-capture-all-my-thoughts kinda apparatus I would be set.  I have over the years come up with some quick solutions to this problem such as – jumping out of the shower soaking wet to grab some paper and jot it down (yes folks my brain is that fried and as fast as a thought enters my mind it is then gone), yelling for Jay and having HIM grab the paper and pen to jot down my thoughts, and of course repeating them over and over again until I am done so I can grab a paper and pen to jot them down.  These days of course pen and paper seem so old fashioned (and they do cause me a great deal of pain because of my RA in my hands and fingers) so I tend to run for the closet piece of electronic equipment and begin to type.  I do still have thoughts at night and keep pen and paper beside my bed but folks some of my best work has been thought up in the shower.  Imagine the embarrassment of my boss one day when we were in a meeting (small group of folks) and brainstorming and I started rambling (I tend to do that you know) about all of my fantastic ideas.  He responded with a smile saying that my ideas were actually great (genius is the word I think he actually used but I don’t want to rub it in too much) and that we (and by we he actually meant me) should put them down in a logical business appropriate format and begin implementing them.  He then asked when I had time to come up with such greatness considering I was super-mom (of 3 at the time), commuting no less than 3 hours a day, working 9+ hour days and all that other good stuff.  My not always thinking before I speak, blurted out “in the shower of course” (I believe I also added my previous statement from above regarding some of my best work being done there to which I blushed and became extremely embarrassed).  Good thing he and I had a very unique relationship and we both just let it roll. 

Anyway, now that I have completely digressed and babbled aimlessly let’s get back to the topic (and subject of this post).   So while trying to think of gift ideas for my recent birthday I kept coming back to a neoprene sleeve for my ipad.  I use the word ‘my’ very loosely because although it was purchased for me and I am the one that did the extensive research, comparison and stress over it, ‘I’ am actually not the one who uses it much at all.  That honor goes to our precious children (you will know why the sarcasm in just a moment).  Those precious babies love to play on it all the time and really that is part of why I got it I just assumed I would be able to use it occasionally.  Anyway – those babies tend to be a bit rough with it (it has been dropped a few times and has a nice big scratch), they tend to have some sort of sticky substance on their hands when they decide to use it, and it gets carried in my ‘Mom Bag’ everywhere we go.  Those of you reading this who are moms understand just how much stuff can accumulate in the mom bag (crayons, pens, monster trucks, matchbox cars, earrings, bracelets, loose goldfish and chewy snacks, etc etc etc) and therefore know why I feel it is best to protect this big investment as much as I can. 

Okay another digression – so what exactly does this have to do with gender identity Taryn???  Well the sleeves I am most drawn to are the flower, retro, girlie ones!  Yep in my matured aged I have become quite taken by all things pink, purple, brown and frilly (what happened to that tom boy from back in the day?).  Of course there are some pretty neat looking VT ones out there but they are pretty expensive and I have trouble justifying paying double for something that works just the same as the less expensive prints.  So why did I not get one yet – well because I keep thinking of my awesome hubby and my two boys and wonder if I really should put girlie stuff all over an item they use a great deal of the time.  This same debate occurred when buying the magnetic cover for the ipad – I REALLY liked/wanted the pink and despite my hubby saying he didn’t care and it didn’t matter what color I got I went with a gender neutral color of orange (also because blue seemed so played out and the orange seemed to match VT colors).

This is not the first time the great electronic color debate has occurred – my DS is pretty pink along with all the accessories for it.  A purchase made a few years ago when I was commuting so much and the intent was I would really be the only one to use it.  Of course it didn’t stop Jay taking it on a couple of plane trips for entertainment (he is pretty cool like that and doesn’t care what others think).  Now of course the kids are older and are asking for a DS of their very own – well I am thinking I have this one that I hardly ever use (except when I can’t sleep and those clubhouse games see some action) so why spend money on something the kids will ultimately break or lose so I decided instead we will buy some age appropriate games for them.  Of course this means that the boys are playing with a pretty pink DS J

So you may be asking yourself why so much deep thought on this topic?  Seems pretty easy for a normal logical person that you make the big purchases in gender neutral colors so the whole family can use them and they can be passed down from kid to kid (if they survive) and save the uber girlie stuff for smaller items that are just mine (and the girls of course).  Well most of you reading this already know that I am not a normal logical person and I tend to spend too much time wasted on little things like this.  BUT, in my defense it goes a bit further than that. 

My boys have spent their entire 3 and 4.5 years with an older sister (duh).  She is not an over-the-top girlie girl but she does enjoy the princesses, dressing up, skirts, dresses, bikinis, babies and of course Barbies.  I think it is just a fact of life that as the little brother of a sister you are going to at some point be forced to wearing a princess dress, some heels, having your hair done and maybe a bit of makeup.  As a parent these moments are comical and precious (and yes photo worthy of course).  How else when I let my boys date and bring home girls when they are 30 will I embarrass them?!?!  Even the playing house, kitchen and Barbies are totally acceptable in our house.  We try to supply equal opportunity around here – we have the same amount of boy dress up clothes as we do girl; we have ‘boy barbies’ aka GI Joe dolls and Indiana Jones dolls; we have pink jeeps and girl like monster trucks, and the list goes on.  So why is it that most days my sweet G-Man prefers to wear girl stuff?  I am not just talking about the occasional girl dress up but also P-Nut’s shorts, skirts, dresses, etc.  He wears headbands in his hair and princess heels?  He also has recently been found to carry a pink bag/purse with him to the ball fields with his toys.  Now what was in the bag was a bunch of trucks and cars and such but he has his own backpack and tote bags to carry things in. 

His reaction to all of this stuff is quite cute because he is very proud and wants to show himself off.  He requests pictures and proudly smiles and says “Cheese” as the pictures of him are being taken.  I feel like this is maybe the critical time for a parent to set some sort of tone.  But is it?  Is this kids being kids and just a phase that he will grow out of?  Does he just like the reaction he gets from everyone and is he so eager to please his adored big sis that he does this stuff? It seems he does them naturally and will spend an entire day wearing a dress or something else and go about his every day business without so much as a thought.  He also will question me when I tell him he needs to change so he can go outside to play or leave the house.  “Why Mommy?”

Now let me just go ahead and add here for those that may be thinking I am some sort of hater or other ugly person – I AM NOT!!!  I can honestly say that if any of my children are attracted to the same sex I will support and love them unconditionally and stand by them in whatever they do!!!!  PERIOD.  That is not what this is about.  This is about deciding if we teach our kids that there are specific girl things and specific boy things.  That there is a line and that it should be adhered to.  That maybe going outside to play in the neighbor’s yard with a purple flower shirt and booty shorts as a 3 year old boy is not the best choice, etc…  It is about being a parent and going into protective mode at the sheer thought of my child being picked on.  Why provide kids any more ammo to be mean when they seem to have enough of their own?  I mean come on people we have already heard several of the ‘graham cracker’ jokes and I am sure there will be TONS more once he starts school. 

So what are your thoughts?  Those of you with boys and girls or those who grew up with brothers and sisters – how do you or did your parents handle this?  Although I have an amazing big brother that I love to death he did not live with us so it was just my little sister and I.  All the toys were girls toys (aka Barbies, babies, princesses, etc) so I do not recall this ever coming up. 

Help Me Decide - Circles/Dots or Not??

I need some help making a decision (imagine that) regarding the letters in Baby L's nursery.  First a little history/back story.  I LOVE decorating the kids rooms!  We did not find out what we were having when preggo with P-Nut so of course the nursery was done gender neutral and in my favorite (had this theme planned LONG before ever meeting Jay) - Classic Pooh.  I loved the nursery and was so proud of it so of course when Buh-Buh came along it was obvious he would use the nursery and we moved P-Nut into a big girl room.  Still living in the townhouse and not wanting to put any of the kids in the basement bedroom when G-Man came along he got to share our room with us for the first year.  He never actually had a theme or a nursery (just a corner) and hence it was almost 6 years since I had been able to decorate a nursery.  So of course as soon as we moved into our new home I began to plan the new nursery (and was secretly planning it in every one of the 26 houses we looked at)!  Since I wanted a baby girl so badly and was totally convinced I was having a girl I planned accordingly.  I knew I wanted something girly but not over the top girly.  I loved the browns/tans/pinks coloring and began searching based on that.  What I was most drawn to were the retro circles and simple type of themes.  Well this was great because it meant that we didn't have to spend the $200+ for a nursery bedding set (which we could NOT have afforded) and that I could pick and choose different pieces to create exactly what I wanted.  This was also great because Jay actually agreed and liked the prints.  Something I also knew very early on was that I wanted to hang the baby's name above the crib in those oh-so-cute wood letters.  I was so excited for these letters that I actually purchased them all in February (I was not due until May) for BOTH names we had chosen.  I wanted to make sure that as soon as that baby popped out I was prepared to paint and hang her name (Hobby Lobby was very nice to take back the letters for the name not chosen).  The nursery was completely done and just awaiting the baby and the name (can you sense the build-up and anticipation?).

What I had envisioned was colored letters with either white or complementing colors circles/dots/spirals.  Well once Baby L arrived I painted the letters (in the first week of birth) and asked Jay what he thought about the circles and such.  Seeing as I could hardly wait to get them hung and patience is not one of my stronger virtues; the fact that my free-hand painting skills are weak at best; and that we had decided to paint the focal wall with stripes; Jay advised that I leave them solid.  Now I just have to add at this point that all my excitement and anticipation to have the nursery "complete" was not because we had tons of visitors and people to admire the nursery - NOPE it was for my own personal benefit.  The feeling of completion; the countless times I stood in the nursery staring at the wall admiring what we had done; and of course to take pictures and share them with family and friends who were not able to see it in person!

I was happy with what we had done until a friend (and also my favorite photographer) posted a photo of what she was doing for her daughters big girl room.  So now I am back to my personal dilemma of "circles/dots or not?".  At this point Jay is like "whatever - just do what you want" so he is no help ;)  So I am setting this to a vote.

Here is what the letters look like currently:

And here is the way I was thinking of doing them (either all white or using complementing colors on the different letters):

Now this picture was "borrowed" from Cindy Stansberry (credit where credit is due) and she did a great job - so great that I want to copy her.

It may help to see the entire wall and the bedding:

And here is the whole nursery:

Now most items in the nursery do have little dots on them but I feel that it is not overkill and that since this is the "theme" it is okay to use it throughout (but I am very open to other opinions).

Finally, for good measure here is a shot I like which includes precious Baby L in her crib:

Okay so now that you are armed with all the info - what do you think?  Circles/Dots or Not???

Call Me Crazy

I was working sign-ups for fall sports tonight so I was set up at a table in the lobby of a building we use. It happened that another group had rented out part of the area tonight as well.  This group was meeting about foster care.  While the adults met in a separate room the children were playing in the gym which happened to be beside us.

A little girl came out and asked if we did cheerleading - she was adorable, probably around 3 with a cute ponytail, great smile, and the sweetest little voice.  I told her "why yes we do - do you want to be a cheerleader?".  Her response - "I really want to be a cheerleader can I have the pom poms?".  She cracked me up.  She continued to come out to ask me if she could "pretty please" get some pom poms.  Before I realized why she was there I caught myself about to tell her to ask her parents to sign her up and she could get some.  Then I realized - this little girl doesn't have parents.  None of those children in that gym who were running around, laughing, chasing each other and smiling had parents.  How unfair is that?

Now I know that those wonderful people on the other side of the building were likely in there discussing how they were going to care for those precious little ones in the gym and I hope and pray they do.  But for an instant I thought - we have enough love in our hearts and home for a child like her.  I wanted to grab her up and give her a big hug and tell her everything was going to be okay.

You may be thinking why in the world would someone so blessed with 4 amazing babies feel the need to add another?  Well I guess because I just couldn't stand the thought of a child not having parents or knowing what it feels like to be loved unconditionally.  I also think in the back of my mind I always considered it was an option for us.  Most of you probably know but we didn't always realize how blessed we would be.  We had many problems trying to start a family and went through years of fertility treatments and disappointment.  We were at the point of accepting we would probably not have biological children and decided we would adopt (even started the paperwork).  That is when we got our first blessing - Payton :)  After that we knew we wanted a large family and once again turned to fertility treatments - this time it was better and along came our second blessing - Cole.  The true blessings are Graham and Lilah Grace who we were able to have all on our own!  Each of them a precious gift that we will never take for granted!

So as I looked across the table at those cute brown eyes and little smile I thought to myself maybe we still could.  Of course when I relayed this story to Jay and told him my tiny little thought his reaction was enough to say not right now and I am a bit crazy :)